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Lindsay Swoboda.

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寻求力量

这篇文章致力于 独立的.org和2020年独立健康峰会,军用配偶和第一个响应者配偶的免费虚拟健康峰会。使用代码升级20为50%OFF All-Access注册。

当我工作时,我的后臼齿磨碎椰子剃须和格兰诺拉麦片来控制我脸的肌肉。即使明亮的夏威夷阳光浸泡在我的怀抱中,我感到很冷。

“她真的这么说?”我问,会见我朋友的眼睛。我们一直在努力帮助我们从前值班地了解的人。她一直在避开我的所有邀请,然后发布扼杀社交媒体的帮助。

“她做过。对不起。”我的朋友在我的胳膊上放了一只手。它是温暖和周到的。我知道她不是想伤害我。这甚至不是关于我的。重要的是,我们的朋友得到了帮助。似乎,似乎,现在不能成为我。我在座位上转动,拉开我的手臂,把我的勺子浸泡在水果和酸奶碗里。 

“所以我太闪闪发光 - 太积极了吗?”我说并仰望我的希望是我的眼睛闪烁。

“而已。”她说,“我认为她说的实际话语是”她就像Tinkerbell一样。“ 

“我不能否认那个,”我说和笑着笑。 “我只是不知道这是一件坏事。”

“我们不能成为所有人的一切,”她说。  

在驱动器家中,我看着棕榈树摇摆在路边。在某些方面,我很宽容知道我不是这个人的“正确的”朋友。在其他方面,它伤害了,因为我想帮助更好。我想成为那个可以出现每​​个人的人。随着风鞭打叶片,我想知道我的超级能力是否是一些人的氪石。 

也许是。或者,也许,当天驾驶路上,我没有意识到等待我的斗争,我会成为他们的斗争。

 当我把手放在我的肚子上那天,它仍然是宝贝流畅的。当我拔出我们的车道时,它仍然预先回到了部署。当我觉得我朋友需要距离的威胁时,这是因为阳性对我来说很容易。 

这是我理所当然的力量。

…

当我们在厄瓜多尔的家中说再见时,我紧紧抓住女儿的手。它不仅仅是南美洲,但再见到海外九年的生活。我只是在考虑到等待美国汽车的过渡,租房,以及医生,朋友,建立和发现的生活的过渡。这是我没有感受到的第一个动作。 这是我们十一岁的婚姻中的第六个电脑,而我试图从我的希望,兴奋和积极的能量中吸取 - 桶不断空洞。

人们一直告诉我们,“哇!弗吉尼亚!你必须这么兴奋!“我脸上抹刀脸上的笑容,我知道没有到达我的眼睛和点头。我从那里吵架,我们将靠近家庭,这总是一个冒险。这与协议会议,他们说,“好吧,你现在现在是专家。”然后我伸直我的肩膀。 我们的曲目记录为我们发言。我们应该善于移动。 用我的头发扔回我看起来自信和自信 - 也许我很快就会开始感受到这种方式。但是当聚光灯关闭时,我觉得我的身体向下扭曲和向内。当我看着我的时候,尘土飞扬的底部漩涡,恐惧,忧虑,焦虑和愤怒。 

当我们在厄瓜多尔的公寓上关门时,我想到了在夏威夷遭受痛苦的朋友。我意识到我现在不想要Pixie Dust。我不想要在我身边的幸福云。 我想在他们来的情况下处理这些过渡情绪中的每一个 - 没有压力,没有预期. 

我暂停并送爱回到我的年轻人。然后我的阳性是真实的。在我的腰带下,在我的腰带下有这么少的试验,在军事生活中的永远激活中,我无法与那些井中遇到干燥的人无关。 

在走廊里,我将女儿的小体拉到我的拥抱。 “我们是一个团队 - 记得?”我说,她给了我一个高五。我的丈夫必须待在这里一段时间更长,我们必须在没有他的情况下继续前进。 

这将是我们的第一个圣诞节。 

…

两个月后,我盯着我们租赁的天花板。我们的家庭用品都没有提出,我们的储物家具已经以某种方式丢失了运输和文书工作,也许是别人’s’假日幸福。我接触到我的手机,它只是jingeled与读取的文本:

你是如此强大。我做不到。

我翻过来并将脸部压入枕头。我的胸部收紧了。 欺诈罪。我不强。虽然我的朋友正在努力提高我,但我知道我的决心已经减少,就像排水沟堆积的老肮脏的雪一样。时间和环境弄脏了它并淬火了它。

 我做不到。 

我再次读了这条线,然后从我的地板垫转移到浴室里。我手里的冷水杯子,把它压入我的眼睛。 我不想这样做, 但在这里我们是。再次感到不舒服,等待,以及我的寺庙中的唠叨概念…如果我不快起来,我会和我一起埋葬家人的其他人。 

…

我的丈夫现在与我们一起登陆弗吉尼亚,我落后于我擦我的背部。他的眼睛从睡梦中浮肿,但他们蜷缩在角落里笑容满面。我盯着他镜子里,闷闷不乐。 

“我不是我自己,”我告诉他。

“我知道,”他说。 “你有没有预约?”

“我今天会。”我说。 

“好的。”他说,并在脸颊上亲吻我。我转身从他温暖的胸部和熟悉的嗅觉中收集力量。 如果我想感觉良好,如果我想找到好的话,我将不得不为此工作。

…

我的妈妈和我通过沃尔玛甩开,我的女儿被迫在我的怀里之间,挂在把手上。我在收集谷物时,我一直在解开我的治疗师的话,可以商品和冷牛奶。当我的手很忙时,更容易剥离心脏的层。

“她说我现在只能期待50%的人,”我说,弯腰打开鸡蛋纸箱并检查破碎的炮弹。

“这是有道理的,”妈妈说。

“嗯,”我点头,将吱吱作用的蓝色聚苯乙烯泡沫容器放在顶部篮子里。“这是一个救济,真的。”我调查了购物车。 “好的,我们已经完成了。”

“还没有。”妈妈说,并嘲笑我,所以她可以推动。我跟着她进入商店的睡衣部分。

她告诉我,我必须停止等待舒服。

“你现在应该开始选择它,”她说。 “这是我的款待。”我们通过柔软的底部和上衣的机架涉及,我选择两对舒适的裤子。 “你需要几张衬衫和他们一起去,”她鼓励我。我找到了一只长长的袖子浅灰色,上面有白色蝴蝶,并停在桌子上的桌子上。一个较暗的灰色,射击星星画了我。通常,我不是一个喜欢陈述我的衣服的陈述,但这个人说:

无论你走到哪里,都要留下一点点闪光。 

我在我的手之间轻轻地抱着它。 “那是那个吗?”妈妈问道,“它看起来像你!”

我微笑,因为她是对的。在我身上可能有一个微弱的节拍。 

…

在驱动器家中,我注意到太阳击中附近的田野,加拿大鹅翻盖和鸣喇叭。收音机上的歌曲很好,在后视镜中,我可以看到我的女儿对节拍拍手。治疗课程后,走出外面,期刊页面并咬紧牙关,我可以感受到它。醒来后疲惫,无味的饭菜和时间 - 我脑子里的尘埃已经开始清晰。 

就像一个微弱的春天风吹在我的脑海中,招手了一个新赛季的开始。我准备好了魔法。

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  1. 鲍勃 说

    3月1日,2020年11:17 AM

    你最好的共用之一“self reflections” I’读。你的留言很清楚,“You can’t ‘truly’了解别人,直到你磨损鞋子。”一旦你这样做,你就会更好地了解自己。我喜欢你的评论,“如果我想感觉良好,如果我想找到好的话,我将不得不为此工作。”幸福并不总是自由。我们有时必须寻求它,创造它,并让它实现它。

    来自你最大的粉丝….

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你好!我是Lindsay。我是作家,创意,鼓励,制造商,军事配偶和妈妈。我的作品已经在遗留杂志,下一个Gen Milspouse,Coffee + Brumbs和军用配偶杂志中得到了特色。
当我不写时,我要么在缝纫机或阅读。我曾经和世界各地旅行过,但我相信总会有更多的体验。 阅读更多…

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当我拔出我的纸浆并退后一步, 当我拔出我的纸浆并退后一步,oman in a sparkly mask grins at me. I can tell she is grinning by the crinkle of the corners of her eyes.

“Your kids are so cute,” she says.
“Thank you so much!” I say, and she asks me their ages and tells me about her grandkids. 

Then she says, “I can’t believe it has been a year of this.” 
“I know.” I reply. She shakes her head, we exchange another crinkly smile and move on.

After I place the groceries in the van I head to push the cart in line with the others at the return. A man is there and I pause to let him go first. “No, you go on,” he says. I nod gratefully, balancing the baby on my hip and then grabbing my big girl’s hand to walk back to the van.

“We’re coming up on a year,” he says. “Yes.” I say, but it feels incomplete. I turn back and say, “I hope you have a good day.” He waves.

When I get home from our grocery trip I see them, the posts just like this one. We’re all processing this pandemic year. I scroll back through my writing from 2020 and I find my initial battle cry to get through this. I wrote, “Life- it perseveres. Love- it can break through our fear. Who will we be?” 

Here we are a year later, and I wonder- am who I hoped I would be?

I think I was less. I think I was more. 

Last night my husband and I finished watching WandaVision on our grey couch. (spoiler alert) Vision tells Wanda “It can’t be all sorrow can it?...What is grief if not love persevering?” I squeezed Ryan’s hand, and I kept holding it until we said good night.

Maybe I had it right last year. Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe it is, as I’m learning all of life is- a continuous circle of both/and. Life does persevere. 
But I think it does because of love.

Who was I last year?

I was a mom that lost her patience and also played. I was a spouse that felt thankful and annoyed. I was a woman that lost hope and fought to find it. I touched grief and capacity, I reset over and over. 
I reckoned and I adapted and I forgave and I felt rage. 

And I know that I loved. 

I know that I love.
宝宝在我面前摆动了在我面前 宝宝在我面前摆动了在我面前 mint patch. Everyone told me not to plant it last year. “Keep it in a pot,” they said. “Mint is invasive.”

They were right. It has taken over much of the plot I placed it in. It dares to go beyond its borders too. One of its green leaves reaches out to us, snaking across the brown and yellow tufts of grass. The baby squeals and reaches back, batting at the mint with his fingertips. 

It is 60 degrees today, a gift in the depth of winter. From morning till late afternoon we push the sliding glass door to the back yard, open and shut. First for bubbles, then toys. On our third venture, we lose our shoes. 

I crush a mint leaf under the baby’s nose. He swipes it and tries to cram it in his mouth. Then he flings it and pushes back against me, craning his neck to hear the mockingbird that’s landed in the bare branches above us. He remembers I’m behind him and grins, then he pulls forward and grabs his toes. Her bare feet appear next to him. My daughter crouches to pluck leaves. 

The door slides again. I grab a blanket so we can stay out longer. Soon the kids are both on top of me, intertwined. Like mint, their take over is expected. Each day I work to welcome them.

This post is part of a blog hop with @exhale.creativity an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind @coffeeandcrumbs 
Head to my blog❤️ to see the next post in this series “280 Words”.
我让我的丈夫拍了一个我的新爆头 我让我的丈夫拍了一个我的新爆头st weekend. It was a victory to do my hair for the second time in 2021, put on real clothing, and to pause in the cycle of family duties to ask for something for my professional life.

And yet.

I didn’t stop there. The photo was required for a new writing adventure and after we did that, I sent out an email I’ve been dreaming of sending. The timing wasn’t right for me to send it last year and I knew it. 

And yet.

It would be fun and glamorous to say that time is resolved and the way is clear to try for a new dream now but in full transparency, time still feels thin. I am scared of what could be. We have a young demanding baby, homeschool, and a husband that’s lining up TDYs. We’re still living in the midst of a never ending pandemic, I don’t have a rhythm as a mother of two, and childcare? What’s that?!

Do we get to dream again? Do we get to say yes? Does anyone else feel like it’s really hard to change right now? 

And yet.

I prayed and talked to all the nearest and dearest cheerleaders in my life and my mom said it best to me this week. As she heard both hope and frustration in my voice she said, “Lindsay- you have always done the things you’ve dreamed of even when you were fearful. I think if you’re fearful it means you are on the right path.”

Here’s to the nudges we get. Here’s to honoring them if we can. Here’s to approaching them with kindness toward ourselves and patience for the journey ahead. 

What dream did you put on a shelf last year? Do you have the capacity to dust it off yet?
这是过去一年的10月左右的时候 这是过去一年的10月左右的时候ter looked at me across her lunch and said, “mommy sometimes it doesn’t feel like you smile much anymore.” 

That night I asked my husband if the observation of a five year old carried weight. 
“Well you just had a baby,” was what he said.
“Yeah, in July,” I responded. 
“And that means we’re coming out of the fourth trimester,” he said.
The baby snuffled in his crib beside our bed before letting out a wail.

As October melted into the holidays, I broke out my journal. I started working out. I revisited an essay. I made things with my sewing machine. I watched fun movies and we ate good food. I chased the activities that generally pull me up and out of a slump. Most of what I tried was a temporary hit of happiness, like how my morning coffee masks the four hours of sleep I got, and yet without also adding water after the caffeine, I’m just as exhausted (if not more) a few hours later.

Sometime after Christmas I realized that all of my pushing and pulling to get back to where I was- that wasn’t possible. 

I had to stop trying to be Lindsay pre-pandemic, Lindsay pre-two kids, Lindsay pre-moving back to the United States after 9 years overseas.

I had to accept I’ve changed. 
I have to accept I’ve changed.

It is hard to let go of what’s not serving us. It’s hard to rebuild confidence, routines, (restore baby- worn pelvic floors) delve deeper into our faith and discover that it is not about moving back to who we were but getting curious of who we can be if we step forward.

Am I smiling more? I believe so. I believe I’m beginning to find lightness again. 
To not just chase delight but to notice it, invest in it, and to fight for it. 
Forward is where you’ll find me.
更加美味不太分心 more rest less reeli 更加美味不太分心
more rest less reeling 
more experiment less expectation 
more capacity less crumbling
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These are my desires, my dreams, my goals for 2021. 
.
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My daughter took this photo of me on Christmas- during a moment when I felt true delight.
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I have always enjoyed picking a Word of the Year. It’s like a lamp post in the dark, making a circle of hope to move forward. Are you having a hard time moving forward? Moving on? Going anywhere? I am.
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In January 2020 I wrote this: “BREATHE is my 2020 word of the year. With all of the past few months of chaos, I’m starting to use my breath to calm myself down and refocus. If I can’t control anything else, I can stop and control my breath.”
.
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There was a lot of feeling out of control last year. There was breathing through labor. There was breathing into pillows out of frustration, anxiety, and sorrow. I breathed in the smell of nature on hikes, I breathed in the air of my home over and over and over again- and the sweet smell of my children’s hair. Breathe did help me pause. It helped me catch up and calm down. It served me well.
.
.

In 2021, I want to remember how to love my life. There’s been a lot of head down and get through it. And while that is sometimes necessary, it doesn’t feel like living to me. 
.
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I need permission to DELIGHT again. 
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With this word goal comes the excitement of taking stock, being intentional, breaking the pattern, coming out of the slump. Finding what’s best instead of what’s easy.
.
 The best place to start feels like turning down the noise. I heard the saying this year that we need to put down our phones to pick up our life.
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So I’ll see you in a month, friends. I’ll be checking my email. Feel free to send me a message at hello@upliftinganchor.com. 
.
Do you pick a word of the year?
当我们走过威廉斯堡时,大门是 当我们走过威廉斯堡时,大门是 adorned with holiday wreaths. Dried oranges, seashells, fresh evergreen boughs. My husband and I walked arm and arm and took in the rare splendor of being alone and out of the house for twenty-six uninterrupted hours. 
.
.
And I almost forgot how the people we walked by only gave glimpses of their eyes. I almost forgot all the hand sanitizing stations and how strange it was to pick up nourishment from a restaurant- walking past the empty tables and out with steaming bags. I stood six feet back whilst ordering a cafe au lait and biscotti after lunch. We touched the keypad in the elevator with our elbows.
.
.
But as we walked through the historic homes, there it was, the reminder that stopped me. That jutted in with pain and longing. A mask dangling from a post. It lifted and fell in the winter breeze. 
.
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It made me feel strange. My stomach didn’t just knot- it twisted into swirls like the fancy towel animals that (were) on cruise ships. 
.
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I still can’t comprehend all that’s happened. When I try to think about it, my brain reaches around memories, months, headlines, and it can’t hold it. I can’t make sense of it. It’s like trying to zip up a jacket that’s too small, stuffing in all the pieces and bursting at the seams.
.
.
As I stood there, I also watched families walk by holding hands. I heard chatter and laughter. Children chased each other. We’re still finding a way to carry on. There is still love and goodness and kindness alongside aching sorrow and fatigue. 
.
.
I can’t hold this time. I can’t forget what I’m experiencing now. But I can’t stop thinking about how we once lived either. The caution I threw to the wind. I miss that. I miss making snap decisions and spontaneous delight. I have forgotten how to flex those muscles, the ones that make me feel truly alive. 
.
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When will I reclaim them? Will I remember how?
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11 “Something forgotten”// #thirtydaysofgrateful with @exhale.creativity and @calliefeyen
我今天看着我们的照片 - 我22和他23岁( 我今天看着我们的照片 - 我22和他23岁(scroll through to our courthouse wedding!) and I just thought, “wow those babies had no idea what would happen, what would test them, how they could hurt and heal each other, and how they would learn to come back to each other over and over again.”
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Marriage is amazing, and it’s hard. There is still so much we want to do with our lives, and I love looking both back and forward with him. 
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We have moved six times together, lived on four continents, added two children, and endured five deployments. We’re working our way through this pandemic, he’s pursuing his bachelor’s in the wee hours of raising kids and serving in the military, and still cheering me on to make time for writing. We are delighting in our kids and making time to create a family culture we are proud of.
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This past week was our 12 year anniversary, and we got away together for about 26 life-giving hours (thank you Mom and Dad Swo). We stayed at a hotel, picked up food, hiked a trail- and while all of that was great- mostly I marveled at how much I felt at ease with my husband. I felt delighted at how our time together felt full of conversation, confidence, love, dreams, warmth, and silliness. 
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.

I’m grateful to not only grow old with him- but to grow with him in general. He is the one person that truly knows all sides of me, and loves me in spite of them all.
第一个结局!加入主持我这个独奏epis 第一个结局!加入主持我这个独奏episode where we unpack Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, give ourselves permission to change up the plan, and make a good list. 
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If you've been a listener this season, THANK YOU! To create anything this year, AND to share it, feels like a feat. I still can't believe I was able to see this creative project from start to finally---a finish! 
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I learned that we can keep trying creative endeavors, and I have decided Season Two of #thechoosingbravepodcast is HAPPENING!
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Celebrating YOU and whatever your next brave step is.
今年在这里有很好的东西。 20件事到 今年在这里有很好的东西。 20件事到 be exact.
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moving to Virginia after nine years overseas// picnics in our new van// hiking in all seasons// birthing our son// raising and releasing butterflies
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sewing a new quilt for our daughter// falling in love with homeschooling// finding real friendships here despite the pandemic// launching a podcast (and the creative balm this was)// going to regular teletherapy appointments 
.
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starting to write again after I couldn't find words for so long// laughing with my husband in the kitchen// talking to my sister, sister in law, and bestie on the phone + my mama and mother in law- I was separate but still surrounded by good women// going to Myrtle Beach with my parents// throwing an at-home USMC ball
.
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The Green Ember series// gardening (having a backyard in general!)// learning to just GO ON THAT WALK when stress starts to rise// access to book pick up at the library// twinkle lights in the living room all year long.
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Thank you for these 20, year 2020. This has been a chapter of holding grief and light too. May we continue to encourage each other to show up each day and give grace.
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Photography @arrows.light
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